Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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