I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
