Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize