Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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