people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
