So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
