i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
