Cold hands, warm shart.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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