I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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