Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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