I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
