You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
