How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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