It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
