Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
