Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
