My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
