i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize