i wish there were pregnant emoticons
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
