I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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