I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
