How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
