it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
