At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
