So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
