I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
