I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
