I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
