I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
