i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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