i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
