I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
