So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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