haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
