I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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