I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
