It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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