I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
