Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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