Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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