I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Life is so much better after having sex.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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