oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
