Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
