When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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