U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
