...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
