Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
