guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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