My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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