My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
tell me about the eggs
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
