Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
