apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize