Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
