he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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