He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I think my vagina is haunted
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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