I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
