Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
