Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
