i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize