Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
