I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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